I have been through many phases of learning. What I thought I was learning at the time, wasn’t always what in retrospect I now think of as the major learning.
High School and College
In high school and college I was doing many things right. I was passionate about what I was studying. I was learning a great deal of varied things (calculus, English, science, art, history, German, PE, sailing, social skills, leadership skills) in a way that was exciting and worked for me. At the time, I thought the details of what I was learning were the most important thing. In retrospect, I see that it was more about learning how to learn, learning how to establish life patterns that work well for me.
Graduate School
By the time I was in graduate school for a few years, I’d realized many important things that were harder to swallow.
One, intellectual freedom outside very narrowly confined subject areas wasn’t a priority there. Thinking and learning with a narrow field of specialization was the name of the game.
Two, much of my desire to excel was tied up in an unhealthy way with trying to please others.
Three, following my genuine passions and enthusiasms did little to please my thesis advisor, my professors, or anyone on my PhD committee. They were pleased by large amounts of narrowly focused work that would advance their own work. If it didn’t help get them grant money or more published papers, it wasn’t very exciting to them.
Four, if I wanted my life back, I needed to leave that system. The day I left was one of the best of my life. I felt so liberated. I was no longer an indentured intellectual servant, whose skills and brainpower were already spoken for.
Five, living passionately and in accordance with my own interests and values is critical to my health. I left graduate school because I developed a chronic debilitating illness that forced me to withdraw. Finding workable ways to live out my passions were critical to my recovery.
What I thought I was learning while in graduate school was a specific career. In retrospect, I was learning how to understand the primary medical literature and developing research skills and habits I would need to regain my health. That has lead to a career, but not at all the one I thought I was training for.
Post Graduate Education
Much of my post graduate education has been self study and learning at seminars, retreats and workshops. In some ways it isn’t that much different than graduate school, except that the subject matter is different, I have chosen it at my own pace, and each step of the way has been deeply aligned with my own interests. Because of this, it has been deeply healing on all levels, including physical.
In terms of content, first I spent many years in libraries researching what it would take to restore my health. Then for several years I learned mostly business skills through community college courses, The National Translators Association, Toastmasters, and the National Speakers Association. Then I spent many years going on many vipassana meditation retreats. Then I started doing ceremony and getting teachings through
Harley Swift Deer Reagan and the
Deer Tribe Metis Medicine Society (DTMMS). All of this was and still is interesting and precious to me.
I suppose what I thought I was learning was ways to make a living and better ways of living. Even in retrospect that still rings true. In retrospect, I’d also say the biggest lesson, in so many different ways, has been the healing power of accepting the past and forgiving.
Now
I suppose on any longer journey there are many phases. After many years of focus on programs offered by many different organizations, I’m rediscovering how delicious it is to step back a bit and reconnect with other aspects of who I am.
I own a house, and I’m getting immense pleasure out of doing much of the necessary maintenance and repair work. It draws on skills I learned as a child. I’ve rediscovered some of my old college and grad school text books. It is so gratifying to be feeding those particular interests again through self-study, after many years away. I also own and operate a business. More than ever, I’m getting a big kick creating new products and showing up strongly to the work of improving every aspect of the business.
Perhaps the biggest lesson I’m learning now, is that I really do get to be captain of my own ship. I really do get to chart my own course. Life really does get to be this fantastic. Nothing has been lost. Everything I have learned and done so far in my life is a resource I can draw on. Not only do I get to say yes to great opportunities, I also get to say no to great opportunities that are not likely to take me where I most want to go. My own inner compass is a darn good guide, even when it conflicts with the desires of my family, teachers or mentors. Not everything needs to be pursued at full intensity all the time. I get to have balance in my life, including downtime.
In five or ten years, who can say what I will think have really been the most important lessons of this phase. I’m curious, but since to everything there is a season, the wheel of time will have to turn a little further before I have that answer.
